When You Just Don’t ‘Fit In’

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I remember one event in particular, it was for H&M and it was a launch of one of their conscious collections and I came away from that night having learnt several life lessons.  I attended the event on my own, something which I rarely did as it was always good to have back-up and have a buddy to chat to.  Not many bloggers existed at this time so there was a risk of turning up to an event and not seeing anyone else you knew amongst all the press and ‘important people’.  Sure enough that’s the exact scenario I found myself in, I walked into a crowded room full of ‘important people’ and soiled myself…not literally of course, but wouldn’t that have been the icing on the cake.  I was like a deer in the headlights, no one turned to look at me or anything, in fact I probably didn’t even exist to the majority of the people in that room but there’s only one word to explain that feeling, intimidated.  Now yes you might say that this was my own issue, my own insecurity, and yes you’d be right but I had experienced similar scenarios to this before and I kind of knew what was coming.  I carefully negotiated the stairs in my ridiculous heels and went off to a corner on the right hand side, grabbing some elderflower crap in a glass (why is it never just a Diet Coke?) as I went.  I stood there for 15 minutes just surveying the room, trying to see if there was anyone I knew, no luck.  However I spotted the canapés start to circulate the room so being the absolute gluten that I am, I found my feet start to pull me toward the moving platters of miniature food.  I took some kind of mini quiche thing and a napkin and started to munch, it was grim obviously, because if it’s not a chicken nugget, it’s not going to impress me.  By this point I was now almost stood in the middle of the room, ‘holy shit how did I end up here?’ and then a woman who was stood in a cluster of other ‘important people’ turned around and handed me her napkin and half a dozen cocktail skewers.  Now, if you watch my vlogs then you’ll know my face is very expressive, it’s the one thing I can’t really control, and so my facial expression must have indicated a severe amount of distaste and/or shock upon being bestowed these blessed gifts.  She hovered for a few seconds and then said “You are an intern?”.  It was uttered as more of a statement with a hint of a question which left me confused about my own being…am I an intern, why am I here?  I snapped out of my disbelief and said very politely and yet uncomfortably, “No, I’m not, I’m here for the event” #awkward.  She laughed it off, never said sorry fyi, but opened up her circle to me.  I stepped in confidently, I had been accepted, this was like getting a letter to Hogwarts.  I began listening intently to the conversations happening around me, I had no idea what any of them were talking about but I was waiting for my moment to join one.  The woman facing me came to the end of her conversation and said to me, “which publication are you from?”.  The next few words out of my mouth, I said with pride, I still do, and yet this moment in time was something which will stick with me forever.  “Oh, I’m a Blogger”.  To me this was something to be proud of, I was at this swanky event, drinking this posh elderflower shit, eating the miniature food, amongst all these people who had probably gone to university to do a degree in journalism or fashion something or other…and there was me, there off my own back.  That circle closed up smaller than a cats arsehole, but not before I saw the look of absolute disgust from every single face glaring at me.  So there I was, outside the circle once again, back in my rightful place, still holding her fucking napkin and cocktail skewers.  

I can look back on that moment and laugh about it now, and hopefully you guys will have a chuckle at that story too but the truth is ‘Blogger’ was a dirty word.  It took a good few years before it became acceptable to be a Blogger but even to this day I still think that we’re not widely accepted by all members of the press (or what’s left of them) or the general public.  That’s fine, I completely understand not everyone will have the same opinions towards Bloggers but there were so many occasions where I was made to feel worthless and that wasn’t just by the press, it came/still comes from other bloggers too.

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